just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
