i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
