Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
