I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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