Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Non-Jews are for practice
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
