five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.