Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
