My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check