After last night, I could never be a politician.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.