Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
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Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
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IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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