I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
