You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
