Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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