Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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