Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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