So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
