Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Alive.
So much puke
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
