Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
