I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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