this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
