:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
