Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
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Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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