How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
