You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
