We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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