Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
