last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
