he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
