yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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