we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
