You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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