; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
