I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
