I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
