my soul wont recognize me after tonight
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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