Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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