We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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