it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
