If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
