the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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