my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
