my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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