I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
