So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
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1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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