I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have already put on my inside pants.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
