sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Farmville is her only friend.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
