I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
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and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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