I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...