I accidentally had phone sex last night
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
