Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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