Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
