a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
