He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
