The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
