The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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