And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
