Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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